The funeral is over. Traces of it are everywhere. The extra food in the fridge, the pile of sympathy cards on the buffet. The huge hole in your heart.

Now it’s time to grieve. You’ve heard about people grieving. You’ve even witnessed some of it yourself, but no matter what anyone tells you, it’s a journey unlike any other. A solitary journey.

And no one knows how you feel.

True, some have their loved ones, but because we are all unique individuals, not replicas of each other, we have our own minds, our own hearts and our own experiences. We are individuals.

Having lost a lot of loved ones, and talked to countless others, here are 3 of the most important things someone in grief needs.

Your presence

I know it’s hard to be with someone in grief, and I’ve heard the reason that some stand back:

My being there will remind them of their lost loved one.
I can’t handle them crying and looking so sad.
When I’m with them, all I think about is the one they lost.

Still, they need to know they are not alone. And alone is how they feel.

Will it be hard? No. At times, it will seem impossible.
Will it be sad? You can count on that.
Will there be tears? Of course.

Empathy is more than feeling bad with someone. It’s being willing to be in that hard place with them.

At sixteen, when my mother died. I had a couple of friends who didn’t abandon me. It meant the world to me.

When our infant granddaughter died. One of the things that meant the most to my son and his wife was when their friends chose to be in it with them.

I have a friend who lost an infant daughter and she said some people never acknowledged that at all. It intensified her grief.

Just show up

And if you find it’s not a good time for them, tell them you are there to do an errand for them, or do what you see that needs to be done. Or look them in the eye and tell them, “I’m praying.”

Be sensitive. Sometimes, it will be obvious how you can help. Many people will say, “Just let me know if you need anything.”

Normally, they could do that, but grief changes what was once normal. Grievers have trouble doing the things they’ve always done. Some even need reminders they need to eat something.

Your presence means more than anything else at this time. But if they need time alone, accept that as well. Even that can be a gift to them—a gift of grace.

When our mother died, people stopped coming over. So we not only lost our mother, we lost the togetherness we felt when others would visit. It compounded our grief.

Your ears

Some people choose to not be around someone in grief because that griever is sad and they are afraid if they bring up their lost loved one it will hurt.

The thing is, they are already hurting.

Grievers are afraid their loved one will be forgotten. So our bringing up stories of their loved one helps them realize they will never be forgotten, at least by us.

Their need to talk about them becomes urgent at times. I found myself looking for anyone I could tell about my sister who died of domestic violence.

If you have memories about their loved one, do share them. They need to hear their name spoken.

Yes, it will be hard, but you will letting them know that person mattered to you too. And that will seep into their broken hearts

Pray while you’re with your griever. Pray that God will give you the words to say.

Job’s friends were comforting till they opened their mouths.

If you read something you want to share with your griever, think of making it a gift that can be read later, when their thoughts are a little clearer.

Grief takes so much energy. I’ve spoken with people in grief and they actually have blocks of time they don’t remember.

I attended a grief group for six weeks following the murder trial of my sister. As much as I love the Word of God, during those six weeks, my brain was not working in full capacity.

We’re all different and we cannot know how someone will process their grief. Just be aware of this.

Your patience

Your loved one has lost a loved one. And while they grieve, you have lost him/her for a while. They want their loved one back and so do you.

When I’ve asked for feedback from those who have lost loved ones, one of the main ones were when people wanted them to ‘move on’.

Imagine how that would feel if your whole life crashed? Not only did you lose someone you loved, but now you are hearing you didn’t grieve right.

Yes, we do miss those who are grieving, and we wants things to go back to how they were. But we must accept that things are changed forever.

This was not their choice. They’re just trying to tape together the shattered pieces of their lives.

We need to let them know we’re in it for the long haul, and they can take their time.

Embracing grief is the one way a griever can process the whole thing. And this takes time. Those who try to rush through will find instead of processing, they have skillfully learned to stuff their grief.

In order to live life fully, we need to be where we are.

The problem with that for the griever is, the present hurts.

When our son lost their little 14-month-old daughter, Olivia, it was excruciating for him and his wife Heather. Watching them and the kids hurt was heartbreaking.

I needed to release them to the Lord, over and over again. I was his mom and all I could do was watch. I hated how empty it felt for such a long time. I hated death.

But, I knew God hated death as well. God didn’t take Olivia. He didn’t need another angel. She died because we live in a fallen world. And ever since Adam and Eve sinned, death has been a consequence to living here on earth.

You know how to be patient with others. If your loved one broke their leg, you wouldn’t tell them how fast they should be progressing. Let the healing come. A broken heart takes much, much, longer.

Nathan wrote a song about grief which he and Heather recently sang at their church. Please listen to the words, and if you are grieving now, please realize you can take all the time you need to grieve. It’s not a marathon by Nathan Peterson here.

Of course love is also another thing your griever needs, but you would have never even chosen to read this if you didn’t already love them.

God will show you how to love your griever. He is after all close to those who are brokenhearted. So close that he’s gathering up each tear they cry. And after all he loves them more than we ever could.

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Helping Someone in Grief: 17 Things You Need to Know