I have a Master’s Degree in grief. Not a real one, but believe me, I should have an honorary one.
And one thing I know for sure. Grieving stinks.
All of a sudden you’re invited to a party you never wanted to go to. But there are no balloons, no confetti, the only thing being thrown around are your emotions.
There are no tears of joy, but plenty of tears nonetheless. And what makes things worse are some of the things people will say.
“You need to move on.”
If someone lost a leg, would we expect them to walk anyway?
If they lost an arm, would we put a bag of groceries in their arms and still expect them to act as if nothing had happened?
Moving on implies that the person is able to. Sometimes they are not. Pure and simple.
The truth is we’ve been fed a bunch of myths regarding grief. Books have been written with tidy little formulas and time frames. The problem is grief doesn’t fit nicely into little boxes. Grief is messy.
“I know how you feel.”
Even if we’ve gone through the exact same circumstance, because we’re all different people, we don’t really know how someone else feels. It’s not about you, and when we say this, it takes the focus off them and onto us.
“You can always have another child.”
This was actually told to a friend of mine who lost an infant. Brené Brown has done extensive research on empathy. She said when we are talking to someone and we use the words “at least…” we are minimizing their pain. We are silver lining their cloud. And when that happens, the person who is hurting no longer feels free in their feelings.
I have a personal relationship with God. Stated simply, I am a Christ follower. And I’d like nothing better than to tell you that Christians at least know how to comfort those who are hurting.
I’m sure there are some who do. But sadly, there are others who use verses instead of their own words, or who try to get the person back to the way they were.
Here’s a news flash: They will never be the same. When you lose someone who was a big part of your life, you are forever changed.
Grief on both sides
The thing is, when a friend or family member loses a loved one, because they are changed, you also feel loss. You miss the person they used to be. You miss interacting like you used to. You are actually grieving too.
But if you could just remember that what the griever is going through is not by their choosing, maybe it would be enough to get you to pause before you say anything.
Job’s comforters would have done okay if they would have just kept their mouths shut. I still give them credit for showing up. Sometimes people subtract themselves from the lives of those who are grieving. This results in the person feeling abandoned on top of feeling grief.
What should you say?
What does a person in grief need to hear? What would help?
Let me just say, there are no perfect words. But there are 3 things you can give the person in grief. 3 things that may help tremendously.
- give them your presence. You don’t have to say anything, but just showing up says tons. Especially if you come with no expectations.
- give them grace. Let them talk if they need to, let them sit in silence if that will help. Just accept where they are. And if they pull back, don’t take it personally. It isn’t about you. They are just treading water.
- give them your ears. When they are ready to talk, let them talk. Let them cry. Grievers fear their loved one will be forgotten. Maybe you can share a memory you have of their special person. Or maybe you could encourage them to share one. They will never run out of things to say about him/her, they just need someone to share it with.
Life has many losses. My brother and I are the only two remaining people in our family. I have lost my sister to domestic violence, one brother to cancer, another brother to a heart attack. I’ve had a miscarriage, lost my father when I was 24 and my mother when I was 16.
Truly, one of the hardest losses was that of my sweet granddaughter, Olivia, who was just 14 months old. They say a parent should never have to bury a child. The same can be said about a grandparent. Not only do I grieve Livie, but I watch the pain my son and his wife experience, as well as her siblings.
Grief is excruciating. There are no easy answers when those we love are hurting. But just as Jesus showed up for his friends, we can do the same.
There’s a story told of an elderly man who lost his wife. While the neighbors gathered to pay their respects, Johnnie asked if he could go next door for a little while. The parents looked over and saw their son sitting next to their friend and neighbor.
When he returned home, Johnnie’s parents asked him, “What did you say to him?”
“Oh, I didn’t say nothin’,” he replied, “I just helped him cry.”
Johnnie had the right idea. All of us can do that.
If you know someone in grief, maybe they would like a copy of my book, Droplets: A poetry book for those in grief.
Dear Anne, I am so very sorry for your pain and the losses you continue to experience. I am amazed that you are able to write about them and more, You understand and are able to speak to hearts so well what grief is really like. What tragedy you have been through and carry! Gut wrenching does not do justice to what you have experienced.
There is no doubt after reading some of your work that God directs. your pen. Thank you.
My loss is not about a “death” in that the person is no longer on this earth, my loss is about a husband who left me after 45 years of marriage, 2 children and 5 grandchildren. That was 7 years ago. I was 65.
Grief walks through the door unannounced and unwelcome and decides to stay indefinitely There is no way to understand it, predict it or leave it behind. I have been in spiritual direction , and am a Spiritual Director since before the divorce and also have had counselling. I am amazed that after 7 years it still shows up and reminds you of your powerlessness….but God. I really talk about it seldom now because I can’t deal with “You should be past this by now” and with” Let him go he was a terrible person “. Christmas is especially difficult since the divorce was final on December 23. A beautiful season I still love, but it is hard even 7 years later. Yes, I walk on through life and try to be there for others in sickness, pain and situations they are dealing with. I know what it is like to be alone so I offer my hand. I keep as busy as possible with family and friends…. however, ageing presents many lonely challenges. I volunteer at the local hospital, attend a prayer group weekly etc
I thank you so much for writing about your grief and about unkind and unhelpful comments and especially that it never goes away. With me , the feelings that knaw are many ; and rejection and abandonment are frequent unwelcome guests. Another woman was involved and still is wanting to push her way into our lives with my former husband’s help. …. And God is crucial. I had to leave the house we build together from the dirt up, they live in it now…….I miss the people , the friends, the church, the town, the beautiful scenery and the animals in the field ….There is no way I would have been able to experience any of this if I had not been gifted with a loving God. I have forgiven them and turned them over to Him, but that does not make it all go away. The memories live on.
May God continue to bless you in your ministry and in your giftedness.
I am praying for you and I humbly ask for your prayers as well.
God bless you.
Diane
Diane,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry for what you have been going through. My brother’s wife left him and ended up marrying the guy next door who had been my brother’s friend. In many ways divorce, I’ve heard is harder than death because the person you cared about is still alive and not choosing you.
I am thankful that you have support from people and yet, you mentioned some of the things you’ve heard that are not helpful, whether they intend to hurt you or not.
You also mentioned how this happened on December 23rd. I think it’s great that you are attempting to still enjoy Christmas, though I’m sure it is hard.
The fact that you no longer occupy the home that both of you built is so sad. And yet, I think it’s great that you have forgiven them. If we don’t forgive it seems to just complicate everything. I’m sure you do miss your friends, the church and the town. You’re right, without God we could not experience anything positive if it wasn’t for him.
Thank you so much for sharing. Let me pray for you, if I may.
Father God, I lift up Diane to you. I ask you to continue to comfort her in her situation and I thank you that you are guarding her heart and that you have empowered her so she could forgive her husband, and even others who are involved. Lord, would you give grace to Diane sho she can continue to handle each day. Help her on the difficult days. Lord, give her grace when people say insensitive things to her. or put Diane’s husband in a bad light. Draw her close to you, Lord and continually remind her how much you love her. Thank you for your Holy Spirit who faithfully reminds us of truths you have taught us. I pray you continue to draw Diane close as she is grieving her lost relationship. We pray all this in the name of your precious, Holy Son. In Jesus’ name. Amen
Diane, I too experienced grief when my marriage ended. I went to a support group called Beginning Experiences. It was for divorced and widowed. I thought it a strange mixture but quickly learned how many similarities there were. This program helped me immensely.
Anne,
This year, my first born grandchild, he had just turned 18, an amazing kind, gentle talented human being. Long horrific story short, he was murdered . The family still have absolutely no information. It was just hours after we spoke on the phone. Making plans for the weekend.
Helplessness, hopelessness, despair, intense anger, overwhelming disbelief and deep cutting sorrow.
ONLY GOD will see me through this.
In the meantime I am also grieving the loss of friends and family I thought would always be there. They act as if my precious boy never existed. My family told me I’m not allowed to talk about him as it is too upsetting.
I love how you described grief in the way you have. I’m going to copy some of your words to a sticky note I can put up on my board.
Thankyou.
Donna,
First of all, let me tell you that I am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild. That must have been so traumatic for all of you.
My sister was murdered by her husband. We never recovered her body. One day, on the way home from a homicide, grief support group, I was crying and had to pull to the side of the road because I was so upset. I screamed out to the Lord in pain and he told me one sentence that restored my peace.
“Anne, I was with her.” I needed to know she did not die alone. In my mind’s eye, I pictured the Lord watching her final breath just as He was with her for her first breaths. And then he gently picked her up and carried her home.
You are right. Only God will see you through this. Just as He has helped me through the tearful years.
You may find other writings I have on my website that will resonate with you.
Please visit and make yourself at home.
Thank you, for taking the time, not only to read my one blog, but also to leave your comment.
Let me pray for you.
Lord, I lift up Donna to you. I ask you to comfort her and anyone who loved her grandson. I ask you to heal the hurt that she feels because others have stepped back instead of embracing her. Lord, you know our grief is not contagious as some may act. Jesus was drawn to those who hurt.
And you value our tears. I pray, Lord, that you embrace Donna and hold her close when she misses her precious grandson.
And Lord, if everyone were to act as if her grandson never lived, thank you, Lord, that You saw that very moment, just like you were at his first moment of life. We love you, Lord, and we commit this to you. Praying in your Son’s precious and Holy name. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Thank you again Donna, for contacting me.
Resting in Him,
Anne
That was a very nice story I am very sorry about your grandson my grandson will be 19 years old this month. I dont know how you survived I am sure I would not I am barely surviving the list of my husband 21 months ago peace be with you.
Mary Ann,
I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband. Let me pray for you.
Father, I lift up Mary Ann to You. I ask You to continue to comfort her. Thank You, God that You are always available to us.
Thank You that we can talk to You anytime day or night. I pray that Mary Ann will have others who understand how she is doing,
and that she still misses her husband very much. Surround Mary Ann with people who understand and are caring. I pray all these
things in Your Son’s precious and Holy name. In Jesus’ name. Amen
Mary Ann,
I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope and pray that God gives you comfort.
Thank you for reading my blog and for taking the time to leave a comment.
Resting in Him,
Anne