Here I lie on a gurney.

The ER doors open. People rush toward me. Someone puts little patches on my chest while a blood pressure cuff is strapped on. Another nurse looks for a willing vein.

I just want the pressure in my chest to stop.

Monday, my brother George went in the hospital to have a stent put in. Now it’s Wednesday, and I can’t get George off my mind.

I’m worried. I’m sure my blood pressure is up. I’m just not feeling right. George had a 70% blockage. 70% used to be a C in school. And a C was good. This is not good.

Relax?

I can’t relax. And forget about modesty — it’s impossible in an ER.

“You’re blood pressure is dangerously high!” the nurse tells me. That’s no surprise.

“Are you on medication for hypertension?” another nurse asks.

“Did you take your meds today?”

More probing, more cuffing, more questions. Now the room is quiet as they all leave. We wait for results.

My husband, Mike, just went home to our daughter, Jess. I’m sure Jess is worried. I can wait for the results. If I need Mike, I can call him. Honestly, I relax more without seeing his worried eyes.

Was I wrong?

I wonder if coming to the ER was a mistake. No. When I called Prompt Care and told them my symptoms, she was pretty firm.

“Go to the ER.”

The cuff around my arm is so tight it hurts. I can tell my pressure is high. I can always tell.

One hour turns into two, and soon it becomes four. My stomach hurts from one of the meds.

“Someone will be in to give you something for that,” the doctor says.

Mike is back, sitting by me as the nurse comes in. The nurse has dark brown hair, brown eyes and he’s chewing gum.

“Here’s your martini,” he says, with his hand outstretched. “It will numb your tongue and eventually numb your stomach.”

I drink it down. My mouth starts to get numb. My stomach still feels bad. I can’t stop looking at the nurse. I kinda smile.

Like Steve

“You look just like my brother, Steve” I tell him. “Don’t you think so, Mike?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, “maybe around the eyes.”

The doctor just left and Mike follows him out.

“What was that about?” I ask Mike when he returns.

“Nothing,” he says, but I don’t believe him.

I have to stay

They want me to stay the night. I get to go to my room once my headache leaves. It’s a stubborn one, so I’m afraid it might be a while.

“I’ll see you later,” I tell Mike, giving him a kiss. There’s no reason for both of us to wait.

Maybe I will finally get some rest when I’m out of this ER, I tell myself. But I’m not too convincing.

My bed is wheeled down the hall and into a waiting elevator. In minutes, I am transported to another bed. I look over at a sleeping roommate and see another person asleep on a nearby chair. It must be her daughter.

I close my eyes. But it’s not quiet. Nurses talk in the hallway right outside my room. I start dozing off and the blood pressure cuff starts tightening and wakes me up. I just want some rest.

It doesn’t happen. Before I know it, a chipper nurse enters the room and checks on my blood pressure reading.

My roommate introduces herself and her daughter. I make small talk with these people who seem nice.

Just then the doctor enters the room. “Hello Mrs. Peterson, we got the results back. Your heart is strong. It did not experience any trauma. I’d really like you to have a stress test but they won’t be able to do it for a couple of days. If you agree to come back for a stress test, I’ll release you to go home.”

“Okay, I’ll do that.”

Go home. Those are the words I’ve been waiting for.

A couple more people enter the room to visit my roommate. It’s evident she’s a family person. I instantly like that about her.

Clicking the remote, I turn on the TV and try to get the internet. What was that again? Channel 3…or was it 2? I have little patience because I have little rest. I click the TV off and put the remote back on my bed.

I’ll just wait. All I can think about is the rest I’ll finally get when I’m home.

Mike walks in with Jessie and I’m quick to introduce them, like we’re at a party or something.

Mike seems uncomfortable. I know he doesn’t like hospitals, so I continue talking with those around me.

He looks tired. He hates it when I’m not with him. Maybe he didn’t sleep well.

I notice the day looks nice outside, but I know better. February days are deceiving. Nice and clear, but pretty cold.

All of a sudden, Mike jolts up. As if something has stung him.The color drains from his face and he looks like he’s going to explode.

He couldn’t hold it in any longer

“Something terrible has happened,” he blurts, “…yesterday your brother Steve had a heart attack and he died.”

I heard someone screaming, “No…No…No!” and realized it’s me.

He’s wrong! There’s nothing wrong. Why is he saying this?

“No!” I scream again.

Mike and Jessie are at my side. Someone pulls the blue print curtain that separates the room. I hear people leaving.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” my new roommate calls out to me.

I’m shaking and I can’t stop. All I feel is pain.

No. Not Steve. Not my little brother. The one who used to follow me around when he was three. The one I loved so much.

The nurse brings in the release forms. I’m not smiling like I was earlier. There’s nothing to smile about. My brother is dead. I wonder if I’ll ever smile again.

The special nurse

We’re on our way home, when it hits me. The male nurse, the one who looks like my brother Steve. I can’t stop thinking about him.

“Mike, why did you wait to tell me?”

“I wanted to tell you yesterday, but the doctor wasn’t sure you could handle it.”

I sit frozen. I know the doctor said my heart was strong. But today, finding out about Steve — today’s the day my strong heart broke.