This post has been previously published on P.S I Love You
You may have heard the saying, “time heals all wounds.” Well, it’s not true.
When you lose a loved one, grief is painful, but the whole process becomes impossible if you never recover their body.
In 1982, my sister, Peggy Dianovsky disappeared. It was reported she walked out of her home leaving her three little boys, ages 5, 7 and 9, never to return. This is also not true.
She was a great mom
If my sister was anything, she was a dedicated mom. I still have the many pictures she sent me of her boys, with little notes scribbled on the back, telling me their latest accomplishments. Her boys were her life. You don’t file for divorce and then just take off.
Over the years, she lovingly put together baby books for each of them. Little notes, napkins from parties, pictures, and even clippings from their first haircuts filled each page. The bindings weakened from all the love she poured in. You don’t document every little milestone of your children’s lives and then just leave them.
Twenty years after Peggy disappeared we had our day in court. Her missing person case was reopened as a possible homicide. Day after day, we sat in court listening to the testimonies.
I remember one day in particular. They turned the television monitor in our direction. When the video started, I quickly recognized her Schaumburg home. My stomach tied in knots as I saw her front door open. Leaning over toward my brother, I said, “I can’t do this.”
The tears were unstoppable, the pain was familiar.
Ignorance can be bliss
I actually thought I would feel better if I just knew more. But, the more I learned, the worse I felt.
The video camera scanned the inside of her house going up to the second floor, where her middle son witnessed his mom being beaten. But this video today showed no people, just empty rooms.
While her husband admitted he had beaten her, he said she walked out of her house on her own accord, after an argument. Those of us who knew her, knew she wouldn’t have left her boys.
Day after day, we sat and heard bits and pieces of that awful day in September. But finally the day came when it would be all over. After 10 days in court, we were to finally hear the verdict.
The time had come…
Since it was a bench trial, we waited till the Judge resumed the session. Those 30 minutes lasted forever.
The courtroom was deathly quiet. And then, much to our surprise, Judge Porter told us why he discounted the testimony of her two sons. He felt if what they shared was true, the Schaumburg police would have gotten that information back in 1982, when they questioned the boys. Three scared little boys who were told they didn’t have to tell the police anything, and they obliged.
They were simply trying to understand where their mother was, and why for the first time in their young lives, she didn’t come and give them their good night kisses.
“Therefore, I find the defendant…
Really? It was going to be over in just a few minutes? Something that has tormented us for years?
“… I find the defendant…not guilty.”
High fives
We couldn’t move. All of us sat there in disbelief while the other side of the courtroom erupted in cheers, giving my sister’s husband high fives and patting him on the back.
Even though the judge didn’t believe he had enough evidence to convict Bob, he did declare Peggy dead and said it was at the hand of a crime.
I’m so glad I was part of a homicide group which met at the Kane County Courthouse once a month. I learned even if he had been convicted, it wouldn’t have changed anything; she’d still be gone.
Insult was added to injury at her trial, because when there is a conviction, a family member is chosen to share how the death impacted the family. But when there is no conviction, there is no need for an impact statement.
It was as if it never happened.
But it did happen. And we are reminded of it every April 15th, Peggy’s birthday. And every holiday as we sit with an empty chair, a constant reminder.
A special club
When your loved one is killed, you are automatically inducted into a club you never asking join. And you forever feel different.
Some years ago, my brother and I were invited to share about Peggy’s disappearance on the Intimate Partner Homicide Investigation, hosted by Susan Murphy Milano. Once again, we looked back at those events that shook our lives, feeling the heaviness of it all. But, it also felt good to talk about her, to validate her life.
Peggy (Gollias) Dianovsky was a hard working, dedicated woman who simply wanted to love and take care of her children. Her mistake was not in seeking a divorce, her mistake was in waiting so long in telling us what was going on.
Perhaps things would have been different if she had shared earlier what she was going through. Mary Schlott, her divorce lawyer, suspected foul play as soon as she heard of Peggy’s disappearance. Though Gus tried going to the police he was unsuccessful at getting help immediately. Since Peggy’s husband had told police she would be back in 5 days, they said they needed to wait.
My only sister
We miss Peggy so much. She was supposed to be here sharing our lives with us. Instead, we’ve seen her kids grow up without her, and now we see her beautiful grandchildren who have only heard about her.
After the trial, we had a memorial for Peggy. It felt too little and too late. Each of us got up and shared what she meant to us. So many years had passed since her disappearance, evidenced by the half empty room.
At the cemetery, we stood by her empty grave looking at a picture on a gravestone of Peggy as a little girl.
I will never forget my sister, nor will I ever stop loving her.
Sure, I hope we find out some day where her body is, but I also know that may never happen.
One day, as I left my homicide group and cried on the way home, I thought about how awful her last moments might have been. And God saw my broken heart and whispered, “Anne, I was with her.”
From that moment on, I had peace.
Do I miss her? Yes. You never stop missing the missing.
No More Talking
A letter eagerly opened, full of heavy burdens.
“Divorce” the letter read, “violence” it went on.
A long distance call made
I can’t talk now! He’s harassing me again.
Much later a phone rings and two sisters talk.
One tells of a hurting heart and ten years of pain,
the other sobs in silence.
Calling the police was easy.
I wish I would have done it sooner.
Days later another caller,
She’s gone. No one knows where.
She never showed up at work.
Her husband says she just walked out.
Disbelief fills a sister’s heart,
too many questions invade her mind.
Why would she leave her kids?
Why didn’t she take her car?
Why not wait for the money
that would be hers the next day?
Some questions in life get answered,
and some take time.
It has been thirty-seven years since two sisters talked,
and one still hurts.
I to am familiar with similar events and pain. I was told my husband commited suicide but everyone knows he didn’t and everyone knows who did. No investigation, no finger printing on anything at all deputies destroyed the scene I took all evidence to State police no one did anything. His date of death is just a few days away from 18 yrs ago as I sit here missing him. Like you I had a friend tell me to let it go after about 4-5 yrs it won’t bring him back another Mayor said give it up to God those 2 comments have keep me going
Lois,
I am so sorry for what you have gone through regarding the loss of your husband. Not only did you have the grief to deal with, but you also had the heartache of people not even listening to what you had to say. I am thinking of you and praying that these anniversary dates will not be as painful as they are. I find time does not heal our wounds, but God does. I believe God hurts when we do. I believe he collects each and every tear that we cry over our loved ones. Because he loves us, and he loves them as well. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to leave your comment. I’m just sorry I didn’t see it before now. Praying for you. Feel free to write again.
Thanks for sharing your pain as you miss Peggy, Anne, and your support of all those missing loved ones. 🙂
Colleen,
Thanks so much for reading and for your comment. When we go through difficult circumstances in our lives, God seems to tenderizes us. And we desire others to experience the same comfort we have experienced. We’re supposed to pass it on, not keep it for ourselves.
I miss my Mother every day. Her name is Kathleen Ann and she is (she is Alive in Heaven) beautiful in every way
She is kind,gentle and sensitive.
When I think of her kindness,I often see her hands. –. my mind—milk-white ,beautiful hands,so gentle, with graceful long fingers; her hands were so comforting to me as a chilld and always.
On her gravestone ,beautiful hands were engraved; and my sister,Susan, was inspired to have these words. engraved
Our. Angel Mother
retturned
to
Jesus
Dear Marie,
Thank you for not only reading my article, but also for your comments. I’m sorry for your loss. I also lost my mother when I was sixteen years old. I loved how you were describing your mother’s hands. And how wonderful that you had that carved onto your mother’s gravestone. I bet it was very beautiful. My sister and mother are both in heaven along with my beautiful 14 month old granddaughter that we lost in March 2016 to Trisomy 18. I wrote about all my losses in a book which will be released soon. It’s called, ALWAYS THERE:Finding God’s Comfort Through Loss. Check out my website and you’ll read about it. And thanks again for your comment.
I feel for you. How sad. I don’t know what I would do if I list my sister. But I have list my youngest son, to leukaemia eleven years ago. And you are so right, time doesn’t heal anything. Missing him becomes harder with each passing year.
Sending you 😍 😍 and strength and. Remember the good memories of your beloved sister.
Yvette,
Thank you for not only reading my article but for leaving a comment. I am very sorry for your loss. I don’t think anyone can tell another person how long they should grieve. And yet, I think people just miss the person we were before we lost our loved one. People just want things back as they were. They forget that’s what we wish would happen, and we know it can’t. I do remember some good memories, but like you, I just wish I had so many more.
Dear Anne,
I truly enjoyed your storie about your sister. I really understand how you felt. I also had a sister that was murdered at the hands of her
absuvive boyfriend. She left behind four beautiful girls. I have had a lot of loss in my life. I am the youngest of 12 siblings and there is only 3 siblings alive. I am working on my memoir now but it is hard trying writing because it brings up a lot of hurt and pain. I am praying that I learn to push through all the hurt and pain so I can share my stories of how God helped me to love my life through all of my trial and tribulations. Keep me in your prayers as I continue to heal through writing my memoir. Thanks again for your strength and endurance. May God bless you
I would appreciate and tips on staying focused.
Dear Cheryl,
First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. Being a violent loss makes it so difficult. I really believe if I didn’t have my personal relationship with God, this would have been impossible to go through. As it was, it was excruciating at times. Writing Broken helped me because I really felt God wanted me to share my story. I had shared it for years at different functions, so the writing of it went fairly well. The memories that would pop up would make it difficult, but because I knew I was supposed to write it, I knew that God would give me the strength I needed it to get the job done. Because of the many losses I’ve experienced, I had written about them years ago but didn’t get that book published. It was because I wasn’t done yet. So when I recently put together Always There, I took some of those stories, and added to them. God uses tools in our lives we would not choose. But He still does what He promised. He works them together for good. And sometimes the things for our good don’t always look good, and they don’t always feel good. But that’s where faith comes in. The more we learn about God’s character, the more we learn to trust Him. Especially when things don’t seem to make sense. We may not always love what God allows in our lives, but we can learn to lean on Him in a way we never did before. I am not a technological person, but God still helped me through each and every step. Expect resistance, even doubts. But keep looking to God as you attempt to share your story. I will be praying for you. Keep focused on Him, and He will direct your paths. He promised.
How sad what happened to your sister…I’m miss my son he’s only 19/when God took him home …I’m praying that he visit me in my dream..He serve as musical director in our Church ,Sunday school teacher and have a passion in teaching kids..in the peak of his service to the Lord he got sick and died..I know he’s in Gods hand but its still painful ..its been one month since he left us
Eugenia,
I’m so sorry for your great loss. Of course you miss him. Yes, it is sad about what happened to my sister. I used to make the mistake of thinking if I just understood more, it would hurt less. But when we were in court for ten days in Chicago and I learned a whole bunch of new information, I did not feel one tiny bit better. Once in a great while I have dreamt about a loved one who has died and while it does give some comfort, waking up to reality is hard. Thanks for taking the time to not only read my article but also to leave a comment.
Thanks for sharing your story about your sister. I had a nephew who was brutally killed by a man. The man went to court and got off free. I also lost 7 brothers and 1 sister to horrible deaths. My dad died of cancer and my mom was let go early from the nursing home with pneumonia and when she got home she hit her head on the bathtub and died days after that. I miss all of them but mostly I miss my mom the most. She loved me so much. I know she died at 94 yrs old, but she suffer from pain in her body and broken heart for the lost of her children and husband. I know they’re in Heaven, but it still hurts.
Theresa,
Thank you so much for sharing about your story. I’m very sorry for all the losses you’ve experienced. And some of them were so tragic. I am praying for you and for how you miss your mom. I lost my mom when I was sixteen. I feel like I hardly got to know her. I’m sorry that your nephew was brutally killed. It just makes our grief even more complex. Thank you for not only reading but for taking the time to comment.
My 18 year old son was missing for 4 months and one day when his body was found by a hunter in a small swampy area of rural Georgia. He only had on his underwear and his phone was never found. It was ruled accidental drowning due to methamphetamine. Yet, many searches were done in the area from January to May, 2017 with no luck and an individual said he put my son’s body there. No charges were ever filed and that same person is now in jail for beating another guy and leaving him for dead. Thankfully, he survived.
My son is just another dead drug addict in the eyes of the law. Praise God for the peace and comfort I have like only He can give. Thank you for sharing His Truth with us!
Dear Cindy,
I’ve very sorry for what you went through with your son. I cannot imagine how that must have broken your heart in a million pieces.
I have tasted that peace and comfort you spoke of. When I felt tormented on my way home from a homicide grief meeting at the Kane County Courthouse. I remember pulling off to the side of the road. I remember just hitting my steering wheel and screaming in pain. And it was then, That I felt God was giving me assurance. He assured me of one thing as He whispered, “Anne, I was with her.”
And I believe my sister is in heaven and when she died, he carried her home.
Thank you for your comment. And again, I am very sorry for your unbelievable loss.
One thing I have come to accept. There may not have been justice here. But God is just and God is good.
He gives us peace that passes all understanding. Like you, I have tasted that peace.